I did the most embarrassing thing last week. I decided I wanted to be tan so what did I do? I got a do it yourself spray tan can. This is the first time I’ve ever used it. I went through a stint in college where I would go to the tanning bed because I thought being tan would make me more beautiful and make people want to be around me. When I went into recovery for my eating disorder, I decided to drop the tanning bed so I could learn how to fully love exactly how God designed me; one of those details is being pale. I thought I got to a point where I was comfortable with it, I would claim that I ’embrace my paleness.’ But I still stumble. You see over the past few weeks I have slowly let materialistic things become an idol again. And I mean it has slowly crept in. I have allowed what the world tells me, to be skinny, tan, beautiful, and to have it altogether all the time or else you are weak, to creep into me heart and all these roots of insecurity were planted.
This is the embarrassing part and what opened my eyes up to this heart condition. I sprayed on the first day after my shower and it looked tan, normal and natural. Let me tell ya, I was super excited; I was finally tan! So I sprayed some more on the second day and this is where the train wreck happened. I looked at my legs the next morning and they were uneven orange. Nothing was natural about it. Nothing was beautiful about it. A thought was awoken in me: ‘why am I doing this? Why do I all of a sudden hate my pale legs?’ I asked myself if I was seeking something other then God, and I was. I was seeking earthly acceptance. I was seeking comfort in the way that I looked not in the God that saves. So I put away the spray tan can and started to scrub the orange off (this took days and it wasn’t until someone told me to use lemon juice and baking soda that it came off.)
It is so easy to see the standard the world is setting and to go in that direction. But God sets a standard for us to. He wants us to seek Him only. He wants us to live in His grace and love, true freedom. So what, you don’t have the body of a model or your hair won’t do those pretty curls (mine doesn’t either) or maybe you wish you were tan like I do. God designed you in a specific way, every little detail. I am deciding to embrace it and so should you.
Father God, thank you for taking the time to design me. You picked out specific details that would make me into who I am today. Although it may not be beautiful on a worldly standard, I am choosing to live in confidence that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by You and that You think I am beautiful. Thank you for the grace and love you have given me through Jesus Christ. In His name I pray. Amen